In Memorium, My Mother

I have been writing and rewriting this blog entry in my head for over two weeks now, and I have decided that I just have to bite the bullet and write it. My mother died on October 31, 2008 in the early morning hours. I got the call from my father, about 8 in the morning. When I saw my dad was calling so early, I knew the news was not good, but I was hoping it wasn't as bad as it turned out to be. She died because she was prescribed a blood thinner due to her surgery and her ulcer gave way, causing her to bleed to death internally. She wasn't supposed to be on blood thinners; nobody realized she was taking them. She had been given a large list of prescriptions to take after her surgery and that one slipped by; it was probably the heart hospital that prescribed it. We are all utterly devastated by this, she was supposed to be getting better! She survived the surgery, she was doing the dialysis and she seemed to be slowly recovering. She was getting stronger. Then some damn medication she wasn't even supposed to be taking causes a deadly condition not even related to her surgery! It all seems so unfair. My father is coping, but the way he hurts and misses her makes me cry more for the unfairness of it all. I cried so hard when I realized that day that my toddlers will now never know their grandma, that grandma will never be there to watch them grow, or hear them call her name. I can only comfort myself with the idea that she is still looking on, watching them from afar. My mom was my mentor, my guardian and my best friend, and I miss her terribly.
It was my brother's birthday on the 12th of November, his 40th, and we all gathered last night for our traditional "birthday dinner" for him over at an Italian bistro in Tempe. I made him a birthday cake, with white chocolate frosting, as my birthday present to him. The babies were really good overall except for the now traditional dumping of the soda in my lap by Tabitha. My feet made sticky sounds for the rest of the evening. John received money and gift cards from Dad and Kathleen, our younger sister, since he is moving to Chicago on December 1st and we figured the last thing he needed was another thing to pack. John was very sweet and told me that the cake was one of the best he has ever had. I wonder if I will get my plate back from him since he took the rest of the cake home. Dad mentioned Mom once or twice, but we keenly felt the loss of her presence at our family get-together. My eyes teared up when I read John's card from Dad, and it was just signed Love, Dad. It really brought home Mom was not where she was supposed to be, at my dad's side at the table, laughing and smiling that all her children were gathered yet again together just for her.
Mom, I love you and miss you!

Good, Bad, & Ugly

My mom is finally back home, in Show Low. She survived her triple bypass, the post-op period spent mostly in intensive care, and her one night in a nursing home that was nightmarish. The day she was released from the Arizona Heart Hospital she needed her heart "adjusted" with electrical stimulation to fix an arrhythmia that had developed. She then shipped off to a nursing home and was assigned to a room with the room-mate from Hell. Crazy she was. Complained that my mom was keeping her up, nevermind that she wasn't even trying to rest as she was sitting up watching t.v. at a tremendous volume and her oxygen machine sounded like an air compressor. Then this crazy woman had nasty, explosive diarrhea all night long prompting my mom to then become violently ill from the smell for hours. By 6 am she called and begged my dad to come and get her. My mom finally had a decent nights sleep last night on my hide-a-bed in the livingroom. For the first time since she was admitted for her surgery there was no nurses or orderlies waking her up at all hours for stats and blood samples. She is weak, but she also seems much better than before the surgery. Right now she has scheduled dialysis treatment but hopefully that can be phased out as she gets stronger. The kids are fine, and I finally finished the digging part of getting my garden ready. I would definitely call this the good part of my little ole diary.
The bad is we are poor, and getting poorer since my hubby isn't getting enough hours at work right now. He is a security guard and right now there are just not enough hours. He really needs to work 60 hours a week to have enough to support us, and he is barely getting 40. This blog is one of the things I have done to try to generate some extra money, and I hope visitors have been clicking on the Google links for me; that would greatly help. Financing our basic bills on the credit card is not going to work forever, but hopefully he will get more hours as the weather cools and there are more events for the company to be hired for.
I'm afraid that the ugly is really ugly. My mother-in-law has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and has been told she has about 3 months to live. She is such a wonderful woman and this news has just devastated everyone. We are going to see her tomorrow with the babies of course right after hubby gets a new battery for my car. I don't even know what else to say. I'm still digesting this emotionally. I honestly haven't even finished grieving the loss of my daughter 2 1/2 years ago to suicide; she was 13. I still really miss her very very much. Right now, I suppose we shall see what we shall see about how long she has, but I believe it is more than 3 months. Hubby will be devastated, that I know. He is pushing aside his emotions right now so he can focus on the tasks at hand like I am, but I know tomorrow is going to be very emotional.

A Little Further Down the Road

It's nice to get a little time every now and again to get to blog again. Toddler twins seem to be more than a double handful, especially since I am not nearly as young as I used to be. I seem to be having the blahs lately, with money worries (doesn't every one), being sick still, and my mom isn't recovering as well as expected. In fact, as of today they are starting her on dialysis because she is still very lethargic and has started to bloat up again. They fear her kidneys may fail without this intervention. The doctors think maybe two rounds of dialysis should be enough to clear up her system enough to support her kidneys enough so they start functioning more normally. I can only hope and pray so. We all still have these colds going on nearly two weeks now so it still is out of the question to visit her, dammit! I feel pretty bad about not seeing her but now would not be the time to give her a cold either, and the kids still sick would be a cranky handful in a hospital room-not fun-especially with her i.v.s and catheters to keep the kids away from.
I at least have cleaned up a little, and got my jewelry supplies regathered for easy use, but my blahs, along with having my dad staying has kept me from making new jewelry since he sets up his laptop on my dining room table where I would normally work. We live in a pretty small apartment so common areas do multiple duty and guests have priority because I was brought up to be accommodating to guests. The heat cranked up again this week also making being outside unpleasant to say the least so work has come to a standstill outside again. My cold certainly hasn't helped my energy level either. Ugh. My bright spot has been Obama's lead in the national polls, it helps a little to cheer me up.

Post Operation

Whew! My mom had her surgery yesterday, a triple bypass. She has spent an inordinate amount of time in recovery, but by tonight she should be moved to the intensive care unit. She is off the ventilator already and the doctors say her heart is beating strong. All Very Good. We all still have our colds and I am frustrated that I cannot go see her. I have to rely on phonecalls from my dad and sister to give me updates on her condition. It has been a little hard to concentrate on my own stuff with all this going on, but I'm trying to stay on track to get things done. No new news on my mother in law, but she is pretty sick still. When it rains, it pours.
In other news, I have been working slow, but steady on my little garden plot by the front door. I think it is actually going to rain today; that will soften the remaining dirt to shovel. I discovered an anthill right in the middle of it yesterday which pretty much stopped work for yesterday because these ants are very aggressive and boy do they bite! The weather is finally taking a turn cooler and I will finally have temperatures under 100 until next spring(hopefully). That should help my productivity outside. I'm a little torn; should I plant some low maintenance flowers for the winter, or vegetables? My sister thinks veggies would be better, but with the newly turned garden I might need a season to get the dirt conditioned and really productive. I am leaning toward the veggies though since I do have seeds for broccoli and peas already which are winter plants here in the valley. I have also been trying to work on getting my jewelry supplies organized and start work again. I think I have so many directions I want to go, I am actually stuck in inaction. Well, I have to do one thing at a time and work on my prioritizing. My inability to prioritize properly is often the culprit in making me feel a little overwhelmed about what I want and need to do. Well, I think the next thing I need to do on that front is finish clearing off the storage shelves in the bedroom and arrange my supplies for easy access so I don't need to have those spread all over the dining room table, only what I need for my project. I'll work on that angle tonight because I can't do anything despite my ideas until my supplies are actually accessible. Let's hope I get that done tonight!

Catch-Up Time

So much has happened since my last posting. There was a presidential debate, the Paulson Bailout bill failed, the stock market cratered, and Sarah Palin gave a "memorable" interview with Katie Couric. My, how time flies. My mom is still hanging in there; she has open heart surgery scheduled on Thursday for triple bypass for sure, perhaps quadruple bypass if the doctors decide it is needed once they get in there. She is on her way right now back down to the valley from Show Low. My mom is scheduled to report to the hospital tomorrow at 4 pm. She is understandable very anxious about what she is about to have done, but she knows not doing it isn't going to help anything and she does want to feel better. Thank goodness that she survived until her medicare became effective. The kids are o.k., but are under the weather right now with the sniffles. Serves me right for having Megan babysit the kids with Mariah, her 1 year old niece. Well, my kids need to be exposed to new germs every so often to build their immune system. On the other side of the family, my mother-in-law's prognosis doesn't look good. Growths have been found on her liver and stomach. She had a biopsy but they botched it and told her she needs another one that she has to pay for! Unbelievable! She is scheduled for a cancer test like the one my mom had on Thursday also. That's about all I know about her because my hubby in relaying information isn't very clear, and even when I talk to them they don't tell me the details. When it rains, it pours.
Amid all this, I have been trying to find the time to dig out what is to be my garden. I moved into this place last spring, and I don't think that anyone has ever attempted to garden here. There is an ideal plot by my front door, a square about 5'x8' bounded by the house, the fence, and the concrete pathway to the front door. I discovered this spring that even that little plot of land has a plastic underlayment which I am in the process of trying to dig out. No wonder the seeds I planted last spring right when I moved in didn't do well. The rest of the yard is really hard packed, with lots of gravel and plastic underlayment peeking out around the yard. It definitely will be a work in progress. It is still 100+ degrees in the day which makes working outside still rough. My progress out there has been slow. I'm planning to do some sort of "lasagna" gardening out there; it may help break up the effects of how heavy my dirt is out there. The Arizona desert is hard to garden in.If your interested, here is the place for information over at Mother Earth News:

http://www.motherearthnews.com/Organic-Gardening/1999-04-01/Lasagna-Gardening.aspx

Jeez, what a week!

Long time, no blog. Well, my mother was released from the hospital on Saturday with no real diagnosis for her problems. Her only treatment was draining her bloating. Yesterday she had an appointment at the Arizona Heart Institute and was subjected to a 6 hour ordeal to have an angiogram. So, with all the tests at the hospital they didn't figure out that my mother's aorta is 100% blocked and her body actually rerouted blood around that blockage. Her heart is functioning at 20% power. How the hospital could have not found that after 11 days is astounding. She needs triple-bypass surgery pretty much as soon as possible. Her next visit to the AHI is this Tuesday so the internist can determine if she is strong enough to have the necessary surgery. I think that is sort of stupid because if she doesn't have the surgery she will die, probably within the year. I haven't blogged since last week because then I would have to think about the whole thing. It is scary to see my mother in such bad shape and for her to face such a surgery. I don't want to lose her still so early, she is only 60. So today she and my dad have gone back to their home in the White Mountains, outside of Show Low, so she can rest from the invasive angiogram procedure and be ready for the next phase of her treatment.
This weekend I will have my "stepdaughter" Ashley over this weekend since I actually will have no other scheduled house guests. Technically, she is supposed to be my husband's daughter from a previous relationship, but the mother refused to acknowledge any father on the birth certificate. God, I have a lot of problems with her. Actually, she has a lot of problems which makes my life pretty miserable. There is something wrong with her, but she hasn't really been properly diagnosed with what those problems are. She sort of has the look of someone with Downs Syndrome. You can look at her face and you know there is something that is not quite normal about her. She doesn't seem overly mentally challenged since she does o.k. in school, but that is only with a staff member that accompanies her all the time while she is at school. She seems to not really care to separate fantasy from reality; she is obsessed with Nintendo Mario characters and the Sonic the Hedgehog characters and she will talk about them like they were completely real. She is 16, almost 17, and nobody that knows her will say that she is remotely ready to get her driving permit. I could go on, which I will this weekend and perhaps I can control myself again to not actually whack her upside the head, just on general principles. She really worries me around the babies; I cannot ever leave her alone with them.
On the bright side, Tommy and Tabitha are healthy and getting bigger and smarter every day. I count my blessings on them, they give me so much in my life. BTW, the above picture is of Tabitha and my mother, from April of this year.

Some of my favorite things

As a long-time denizen of the "internets" I have run across a few interesting things. I have a diverse range of interests that span a fair range so my favorites folder is a fairly crowded place. I thought I would post a cross-section of my favorites here(cut and paste):

http://www.dailykos.com/

Daily Kos is a blog community who's stated mission is to work on electing Democrats, but it is really sort of a clearinghouse of politcal debate, news, policies, and pretty much anything about trying to make the world a better place. "...because the truth has a well-known liberal bias"-Stephen Colbert.

http://whatreallyhappened.com/

Whatreallyhappened.com is my homepage. It's a news link collection from all over the world with sometimes wry and witty comments, but it covers the important news that doesn't get exposure on the front page of the traditional media.

http://www.truthout.org/

News articles written by contributors and news wires articles, also mostly under the radar, but major stories as well. Good site.

http://bankimplode.com/

The Bank Implote-O-Meter website is a great concise resource for all the banks that have failed, and the listing of major banks and how much they have so far written off. Updated whenever banks release earnings and when the Fed takes over. Includes some commentary and analysis.

http://www.wmicentral.com/site/news.cfm?brd=2264&nr=1&nostat=1

My mom and dad's local newspaper which I check every so often. Nice quiet place most of the time.

Those are all links from my Dailies folder, which has about 20 more links. I thought these would be good to start with, since I think you could find out a few things about a person by their list of links in their Favorites folder.

Not out of the woods yet...

Just when we were clearing up some of the problems with my mom, a whole other problem has reared it's ugly head. On the plus side, the cardiologist said that mom's heart is not as nearly as bad as they thought. Today she got the news that nothing in her digestive system was cancerous, good news indeed. She got 2 units of blood in a transfusion today because they realized she was pretty anemic. I'm not sure how much volume of blood that is but it took hours for the procedure. She has also shed 15 pounds between the the diuretic and the surgery. So right now it doesn't seem as serious as previously believed. On the other hand, the source of the edema hasn't been found and that is driving the doctors a little nuts because it's harder to pin down than thought. They still don't want to pursue the drug interaction link, but I think they may have to investigate the possibility. No treatment on the horizon right now for her peripheral artery disease, which is all my mom wanted to treat in the first place, except all those other problems have superseded that. And now the doctors say they have found a "growth" on her ovary. I guess they saw it with all the MRIs and CT scans on her, pretty much from the neck down. My mom is sort of disbelieving of this, since she thinks of them as spent organs and not active. I think it is a great chance to find something that is normally not found until it is too late. So I tell her it's a good thing to be found so early. So now the doctors have a new problem to work on but it is completely unrelated to the rest of it.
I brought the kids to the hospital today so my mom could see them. What an exhausting time! A hospital room is really no place for the kids, especially for over an hour. Hideous traffic on the way home too! Tabitha is working on saying more phonetic sounds, and not just sound effects. Practice, practice, practice!!! Well, supper is cooking and bottles still need washing so that's all for tonight.

Tommy and Tabitha Pic!

Tommy and Tabitha sitting on their new chairs watching Sesame Street. They are such cuties!

Sigh of relief - phew

I got good news today: my mother's condition is not as poor as the doctors originally thought. Today they drained her abdomen, over 4 liters, and got some test results back. Thankfully her heart is not as bad as heart failure, but the wall of one of the chambers is weak. Not weak enough to warrant surgical intervention. Overall, that is really good news and I can stop worrying as much as I've been. Tomorrow more test results will be back and perhaps the results of her MRI. The doctors seem to be having a difficult time defining what is wrong, probably because they may not see such an extreme case of P.A.D. and are unfamiliar with the medical complications other than the increasesd risk of heart attack or stroke, like from the commercials. I'm optimistic she will be out of the hospital in a few more days, and can begin to actually have the P.A.D. taken care of. I don' t know what the complications of her heart condition for her life is going to be, but I would bet she will have to quit smoking. I should go see her tomorrow and make sure my dad will be there to push her around in the wheelchair so we can go to that playground for the kids.
In other news, another typical day for the babies, only started way, way too early; before 6 am. Tabitha is getting a lot more agressive again, with the hard pinching and scratching, not to mention the biting. Tommy is just a sweetie; happy and wouldn't hurt a fly. I'm still working on pictures, but I've got a picasa account to put pictures on and I'm trying to figure it out.
The McCain/Palin ticket has scared the shit out of me; I'll be donating to Obama a portion of every piece of jewelry I sell from now until the election. It would be the first time I have ever been moved to give to any politician. I was considering it before the VP announcement but from what I've learned since Thursday there can be no way, no how, no McCain/Palin!

What a freakin' day

Jeez, the crap started so early this morning. You see, kids woke me up at 6:30 am ( later than I normally get up because I like some alone time before kids in the morning) so I took them out of their cribs to play while I went outside. I noticed an ant. Then I saw a column heading to the back door, and I scanned for a line of ants going inside, but I didn't see one. I grabbed my trusty can of Raid and sprayed the hill and the column. O.K., I thought, that must be it. Back inside, the kids were right by the patio door. When I came back inside, I was horrified the kids were sitting right in the middle of an ant-fest on the floor! Scooping up the kids quickly and depositing them in the highchairs I then proceeded to spray the hell out of the ants on the floor. I was hopping around to keep them from crawling on me and biting! That amused the kids quite a bit. Then while they were having breakfast I mopped up the floor to get rid of the spray residue and dead ants. Egads, what a way to start the day! I have a very large colony of small, aggressive black ants that I have battled since I moved into this place. Shortly after I moved in I found out why the place came with bug spray left by the previous owner. Ants every frickin' where! At least it wasn't for roaches, knock on wood! Just what I needed on top of getting eaten alive by the mosquitoes over the last week since the monsoon rain. They like Tabitha a lot more than Tommy. Poor Tabby has several nasty bites on her arms, legs and even face! Tommy might have on tiny little bite on his leg, period. Tabitha must exude the right scent for them, like me. I was always told they bite me so much because I was so sweet! If I tell Tabby that, it will probably infuriate her as much as it did me, since I actually wanted to really know why. It wasn't a rhetorical question. If they had told me it was body odor I would have taken a lot more baths as a kid!
Me and the kids went to the hospital today to go visit my mom. She seemed a little better, but she is getting a little short of patience with all the tests. She wants someone to come up with a plan of action! She found out today that her kidney function is "not very good" according to the doctor. Well, she has been on the diuretic for about 2 days now and I don't think the doctor is happy about the slow progress because of that. And a test about two weeks ago from CVS's traveling testing program showed her kidneys were fine, and her heart also. Make of that what you will. Anyway, they are now going to surgically drain her excess fluid. I heard the doctor say that myself when I was there, but I have no idea what that really means. I imagine that it's not as simple as poking a hole and putting a drainage tube in, but I could be wrong. I guess I expect something more sophisticated from modern medicine. She was very glad to see the kids and she thought we stayed a lot longer than she thought we would. I felt like I didn't stay long enough, but by now the babies were making their impatience a glass shattering shreik in unison. They hate just sitting in the stroller. It was a shame we all couldn't go to the family play area so the kids could run around while me and mom visited but I can't push a stroller and wheelchair at the same time. Push a stroller and pull a shopping cart yes, but I'm not that talented. My mom didn't want to bother waiting for a transport person (used to be known as orderlies) because they can take forEVer bothering to come. I'll make the next visit coincide with another family member so we can do that easily.
Ah, what a day. I left the house at 2:30 pm and was booked solid until the little ones were in bed and hubby was out the door to work. Phew! All I have left to do is find the livingroom floor and wash the bottles for a new day.

My mother is in the hospital

Wow, I just started my blog yesterday and my life is even more interesting than 24 hours ago. At midnight last night my mother was admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure. I have been a little nutsy because of it since I have the twins and I need to go see her. She has been retaining fluid for about 2 months and the doctor suggested this may be the case. She could not get it treated because she had no insurance and her medicare was to go into effect on September 1st so she decided to wait it out. I am just beside myself with rage at the governmental system that allowed her disability but denied her medicare until 2 1/2 years after that was approved. Typical governmental catch-22! I need to find out when that rule of disability and medicare coverage was passed. I really get the impression, as a lot of other people that they want people to die before medicare can cover them. Arizona actually had a program through the state health insurance for the disabled to sign on for to have medical coverage until medicare would be effective but in the last budget it was axed. Grrr. I hope to go see her later today. She also has diabetes and P.A.D. (peripheral artery disease) both of which I am sure contributed to her heart failure. Her treatment right now is to just have her body get rid of the extra fluid right now. When I last talked to her this morning, she had already passed 10 pounds of water weight. Only about 20 more to go for her to get to the weight she was at before she started bloating. Then they can start treating her P.A.D. and that would take a lot of stress off her heart also. It is probably hard for her heart to try to pump blood down her legs with blockages in both. OK, I'll take a few deep breaths and try to stay focused on what I can and need to do. I have no idea how long she is going to be there. On the bright side, the twins are fine and my hubby is working.

Virgin Blogger

Wow, my first blog! I welcome myself to the 21st century. Gee, now what? I guess I'll outline what my blog will be about: everything! It will primarily be about my trials and joys of raising my toddler twins, my husband and myself in these times. It will secondly be a potpourri about my art, my family and my philosophy. If there is any time after that, I will talk about anything else I find interesting. This should be an adventure for myself, and all who share this with me. I am new to all this, and very excited about this prospect.
I am the proud mother of twins, a boy and a girl. Their names are Thomas, a.k.a. Tommy, and Tabitha. They are almost 17 months old, and so cute! I'll post pictures as soon as I figure that out. I am married to a wonderful man who has made it his life mission to take care of me and the twins. I am currently a stay-at-home mother, partially for raising my children, partially because I have no real job opportunities that would pay me enough to make being a working mother make any sense. I don't see the point in getting a low paying job if all that would do is be sucked into the vortex of paying for childcare, gas, insurance etc., being exhausted after working and just seeing my children briefly in the morning and evening. Why put myself through that? I've already been down that road, and I can truthfully say that it did not work out for me at all. I will have a lot more on that later. Right now, taking care of my family the best I can is my whole focus in life.
On the blog title, "May your life be interesting", I heard that ages ago that it was a Chinese curse. My life has been way more interesting than I ever wanted it to be and I have found out why it is definitely a curse, but I figure it's definitely interesting!