Sunday, July 19, 2009

Getting back in the Game

Getting back in the game after a bout of depression, but I'm starting to do better. I'm sure my attempt at quitting cold turkey from smoking triggered it. I lasted 10 days with that attempt, but by then I was a basket case. I NEEDED a smoke like a junkie needed their heroin. By then even my hubby told me to get some, he couldn't live with me like that anymore and wanted his wife back, not the crazy person he was living with. The kids took a fair brunt of my craziness too; I was very unfairly yelling and screaming at them and generally losing my cool about stupid stuff. Man, that first cigarette after 10 smoke free days was as good as the very first one I ever had. For me, when I started smoking I never had any of the negative things people talk about when they start smoking; no headaches, nausea, aching lungs or anything like that. But alas, my relapse was only temporary; I knew that it was when I restarted. My dad gave me a nice supply of Nicorette gum to help me this time. I am now on day 5 of my new non-smoking life. The gum has made a world of difference in my temperament. I'm still a bit antsy about not actually physically going for a smoke, but the nicotine replacement therapy has gone a long way to keep me from being crazy. I just could not afford smoking anymore. It wasn't a matter of having the cash to buy it, but committing to going into debt by having to charge my tobacco since the cash is just not there. I have also ran out of excuses; my last goal was to have a smoke on the porch my dad built on his house. It was what my mom had wanted so badly for the house and had talked about having it built. So having that smoke on the porch was mentally a last goodbye to both her and to smoking. So now I'm done.
About that depression though, Cassie's 17th birthday would have been on June 12th so that weighed heavily on my mind. I've been going day by day, doing what I needed to do but not much else. I've cut way down on even going out; it just felt like so much work. It being 110 degrees out certainly hasn't helped encourage me on going out either. I'm working on pulling myself up by my bootstraps now since I feel like I've wallowed long enough in my depression. Not being productive is starting to bug me now, so here I am finally updating my blog and getting back on track to move forward. Wish me luck!