Getting back in the Game

Getting back in the game after a bout of depression, but I'm starting to do better. I'm sure my attempt at quitting cold turkey from smoking triggered it. I lasted 10 days with that attempt, but by then I was a basket case. I NEEDED a smoke like a junkie needed their heroin. By then even my hubby told me to get some, he couldn't live with me like that anymore and wanted his wife back, not the crazy person he was living with. The kids took a fair brunt of my craziness too; I was very unfairly yelling and screaming at them and generally losing my cool about stupid stuff. Man, that first cigarette after 10 smoke free days was as good as the very first one I ever had. For me, when I started smoking I never had any of the negative things people talk about when they start smoking; no headaches, nausea, aching lungs or anything like that. But alas, my relapse was only temporary; I knew that it was when I restarted. My dad gave me a nice supply of Nicorette gum to help me this time. I am now on day 5 of my new non-smoking life. The gum has made a world of difference in my temperament. I'm still a bit antsy about not actually physically going for a smoke, but the nicotine replacement therapy has gone a long way to keep me from being crazy. I just could not afford smoking anymore. It wasn't a matter of having the cash to buy it, but committing to going into debt by having to charge my tobacco since the cash is just not there. I have also ran out of excuses; my last goal was to have a smoke on the porch my dad built on his house. It was what my mom had wanted so badly for the house and had talked about having it built. So having that smoke on the porch was mentally a last goodbye to both her and to smoking. So now I'm done.
About that depression though, Cassie's 17th birthday would have been on June 12th so that weighed heavily on my mind. I've been going day by day, doing what I needed to do but not much else. I've cut way down on even going out; it just felt like so much work. It being 110 degrees out certainly hasn't helped encourage me on going out either. I'm working on pulling myself up by my bootstraps now since I feel like I've wallowed long enough in my depression. Not being productive is starting to bug me now, so here I am finally updating my blog and getting back on track to move forward. Wish me luck!

Day 3 Cold Turkey Treatment

OMG I don't know how I survived my first day. It has only been today since I have had my head on straight enough to be able to concentrate on stringing together a few sentences in a coherent manner. The entire morning of my first day was such wild mood swings my hubby thought I was just going insane. I was anxious, and alternately swung from feeling impotent blind rage (which led to banging my head into walls like my toddlers) to soul-crushing depression, often within seconds of each other. It was simply horrible. If I had them, I certainly would have smoked them before I reached those levels of emotionalism. After working through that on Saturday morning, I have been much better. That is not to say it's been great, but after that roller coaster of emotions shrugging off the urge for a smoke is much easier than I thought. I have been chewing gum to the point my jaw muscles are getting really sore, and I have drank a lot more soda than I normally would. I think having been making rollies for the last six years has been a real help in quitting since I just do not go out and buy a pack of smokes. I had been hoping sleep would be a respite from my discomfort, but I have been sleeping very poorly. Saturday night I woke up every hour or so either too hot or too cold. Last night was a little better; I think I get stretches of an hour and a half of sleep in between my tossing and turning fits. Today is the third day, and from what I've been told is the last day of the really intense cravings as the nicotine runs out of my system. Right now my brain is fuzzy, my concentration is shot to hell and my garden is going to crap. This is really hard, but I think I'm doing pretty good. Day three, no smoking, and I'm hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel from this withdrawal misery.

My last day of smoking

Well, the day is finally here. I am down to my last 6 cigarettes. I have been making my own rollies for six years now to save money, but with the new federal tax I can't afford that anymore. I bought a fair supply at the end of March which actually lasted through April until today. I only smoke about a dozen a day now anyway so I am hoping that quitting won't be too hard. I admit that it seems more psychological than physical, but I guess I'll see. I figure that I will make my last 6 last until bedtime tonight, and when I wake up tomorrow I will be an official ex-smoker. Smoking contributed a lot to my mother's passing and my father has been bugging me to quit, along with my hubby. My dad is also an ex-smoker, but he stayed on the nicotine gum for about 4 years until he gave that up. My hubby quit cold turkey, and never looked back. I am hoping that quitting gives me a little more energy, and it should improve my lung function. I only started when I was twenty five, but that was about 15 years ago now and I sorta got used to it. I only smoke outside now anyway and the temperatures here are over 100 so going out isn't exactly nice. I have been trying to psych myself up to this point, convincing myself it is best for my health. I recently found out that smoking is a contributor to macular degeneration which I didn't know and that has been a huge help to wanting to quit. My eyesight is very important to me and I need it to be good for a long time still with my twins just turning 2 and my love of crafting and jewelry making. I have noticed in the last year or so my eyesight has worsened so that is a huge motivating factor for me. As my tobacco supply has dwindled and I have been really facing the end of smoking I have gotten a little grumpy and high-strung. I have really been thinking about it and the only thing I am really going to miss about smoking is escaping from the kids for a few minutes outside when I get a little overwrought with their behavior and getting a nicotine fix. Now I am not sure what I'll do, but I will figure something out. I figured out a while ago that making my rollies was fulfilling my urge to make stuff with my hands so a positive aspect right there is that I should start making more crafts and jewelry again. Well, I'll keep posting about my progress and problems on this, but I really need to do this. Like Yoda said, do not try, do.

O.K., Yeah, it's been a while...

Just so much stuff on my plate. We are all still working through the loss of my mom and we just wrapped up the twins' birthday, my birthday, and Easter together as one big family get-together yesterday. The whole family, minus my brother in Chicago, gathered here at my house for the shindig. I made sure everyone got an Easter basket, including my dad who thought not getting one from now on was a foregone conclusion. I made sure it was nice; Walgreen's had Russell Stover candy boxes on a super sale with a coupon so I put one of those in his basket, along with the sort of usual stuff mom would have put in; Peeps, jellybeans, assorted cheap chocolates and chocolate-covered marshmallow stuff. Kathleen got one also, of course. I remember something mom had told me one year when she was housing one of Kathleen's friends for a while; she said that is was imperative to her that everyone in her house, even visitors, would get an Easter basket under her roof and no one was excluded from that rule. She wanted everyone to feel wanted and welcome in her house especially on the holidays and that was one of the ways she did it. An admirable philosophy and one I took to heart. Making sure everyone got an Easter basket was one of the ways I have honored her memory. I also wrote up clues for Mathew's egg hunt, as is traditional in our house. Even though Kathleen writes up clues for Mathew at home, my mother always insisted I also do it for Mathew here when he comes over because she always enjoyed the hunt with the clues. I think it was a pure nostalgia thing for her from our own childhood. It started when I was about 5; one Easter me and my brother didn't find all the eggs in the egg hunt and my dad didn't enjoy finding smelly bad eggs that were hidden a little too well. So the next year he wrote us up clues that would lead us from one egg to the other, which included doing little chores for him like feeding the dog. Me and my brother had such a good time with them he then had to do it every year pretty much until we moved out and had children of our own. Now it is one of those unique family traditions we do for Easter. But until the twins are old enough to do the clues a traditional egg hunt will be fine. My twins turned 2 on April 9th, but since they are young enough we could put off the celebration until Sunday when everyone would be there. My birthday was yesterday; I am now 39 which is going to be my age for a while, I think. I look pretty good for my age, no grey hair yet! At my age my birthday occurring on Easter was convenient, but as a child it would have been real special. At least I got to have dinner delivered as pizza-to me a perfect birthday. I didn't have to cook up an Easter dinner for everybody, I didn't have to take the kids on a long and tedious trip to a restaurant with all it's attendant nuisances, and I got to eat my favorite food! I think of yesterday as generally a total win situation. Though it was weird to buy my own birthday cake, but it was shared with kids as a triple birthday cake; first I blew out the candles, then Tabitha blew them out, then Tommy blew them out. The cake said "Happy Birthday Kids and Mom". Even though it felt a little weird ordering my own cake, I did get to have it exactly how I wanted it; chocolate whipped cream frosting, with chocolate cake! MMmmm! The kids loved it too; I have great pictures of Tabitha and Tommy wearing their cake, but I gave them big pieces so they ate a bunch too. The kids got a lot of great presents; a Curious George wooden tool set, foam action sound emergency vehicles, an elaborate bath toy, art totes with fabric chalk boards from the farmers market courtesy of my sister, and a bunch of other great things. My stuff was good too; Kathleen got me a great apron with a matching button on potholder from the farmers market. She also got me a beautiful batiked butterfly silk shirt from there also; it's styled like one of those blousey 80's bat-shirts, sort of tunic like. Andy has no time or clue about what to get me for my birthday, so I bought for myself (and had to wrap myself, as Andy is wrap-challenged) several Dremel tips and bits to take my jewelry making to the next level including diamond drill bits, and diamond cutting disks. A indescribable glass votive holder made in Poland I will just have to post a picture of soon which I bought at a local deep discounter; it was originally $65.00 which I believe just from the beauty and quality. I have had my eye on it for over a year, since my first visit to the store with my mom over a year ago. It was finally on sale for $17.99, from $29.99 which was the price they had been trying to sell it for. There was no way I was going to not buy it. Andy did buy me a Rubik's Revolution electronic game cube to replace one from last year which broke, and a beautiful dozen roses. Dad gave me money and a bath gift-basket in rose fragrance which is one of my favorites. Now to actually be able to get the time for a bath.......

Hopefully, Crisis Averted

Geez, what a whirl I have had! I can't believe it's Friday already! Two weeks ago, Andy went down to Tucson to take the DOC physical training test to be on his way to be a Department of Corrections officer. Preliminary to even taking a step of the course, they did a basic physical to see if he was healthy enough to exert himself on the test and found his blood pressure was through the roof. It was 220/140! This is the first time he had ever had this turn up; his physical last year showed it slightly elevated but nothing to be alarmed about. So he went to the doctor last Friday. They were so alarmed about his blood pressure they refused to allow him to drive himself to the urgent care. I had of course just put the kids down for naps about ten minutes before he called so I had to roust the kids and pick him up. Then it was straight to the urgent care. Due to the urgent nature of his condition he was taken straightaway into a room there and he had left his cellphone in the car. I then spent the next 3 hours waiting there with the kids which was no picnic, let me tell you. By the time I finally saw him I was a frazzled nerve myself and I would have probably have failed my own blood pressure test. After giving him his phone I whisked the kids home; boy were they happy to run around some and play. But the urgent care decided Andy had to go to the emergency room anyway since they could not get his pressure down with the meds they had on hand. So back again to pick up Andy. He decided he just didn't have enough time to screw with the emergency room before work so he went there first thing after work on Saturday morning. They kept him for about 5 hours, then finally discharged him with a prescription. He again saw the doctor two days ago and he now has 3 pills to take. I am also taking his blood pressure regularly and while it is going down, it still is too high for my taste. This morning it was 150/115. I did read the medications take 2 weeks to take full affect, so we'll see. He is feeling better; he doesn't feel so angry all the time and he feels a lot more relaxed while driving so that's all good.

Now, as soon as I walked into the urgent care with the kids I had a bad feeling about exposing the kids that germ-infested environment. I did keep them in stroller the entire time I spent in the waiting room, but I did let them run around in the building lobby. Hey, it's hard for toddlers to spend so much time strapped into the stroller, but they were reasonably good for the whole ordeal. We took strolls around the building and picked a variety of the flowers the building was landscaped with. But despite my care they found a way to get sick. Tabitha developed a fever Monday morning, pretty much on cue with 48 hours after being exposed. Fortunately that was the only symptom and it never exceeded 100. It did make her cranky as hell for about 3 days though. Tommy decided Wednesday was a good time to get the same thing, but I think he caught it from Tabitha from the timing and his lasted only a day. Boy, Tabitha does not like taking medicine at all! It was even the grape flavored children's Tylenol, but she objected so much she actually made herself gag and throw up! Tommy couldn't get enough of it, he was very cooperative. Ultimately Andy had to help hold Tabitha while I gave her the medicine and I followed it up with a drink right away which helped her a great deal. As of today, they are both fine. I have to say it was a strange little sickness, the only sign was the fever and that was thankfully not terribly high or it would have been straight back to a doctor's office.

With all this going on I have had not a whit of time to work on anything; no jewelry, sewing and obviously no time to blog. I did get a nifty new sewing machine on Monday. Since Andy got himself a new laptop the day before I figured it was only fair. It's not a real fancy machine, at least compared to what I could have bought but it is the fanciest one I have ever owned. It is a Singer, with like 30 pre-programmed decorative stitches and Auto-tension. Auto-tension! I have always had a problem with the tension of the machines I have owned and a machine with such a feature seems like a dream! My last machine, a Kenmore, was a workhorse, but very basic and of course it's tension mechanism was faulty. I did have it about ten years, and retiring it is bittersweet since my mother bought it for me and she made sure I knew it was more than she would normally spend on a machine so it has all that mom-guilt with it. Since Monday my new machine has sat in it's box on the kitchen table, but I am determined tonight to take it out and explore it's wonders. I think some new catnip toys would be a great first project to get acquainted.

Where is this month going?

I mean really, this month is flying by! I guess I've been busy, but my tangible accomplishments are lacking. Housecleaning and chores have been the major bite of my time. My conjecture is that I haven't had as much free time to myself as I have been accustomed to with Andy's new hours. My time after the kids go to bed has been taken up with making supper and helping him get ready for work. By the time he walks out the door, it's about 9:30 at night and that isn't much time for doing much except some clean-up and watching one of my dvr'ed shows. I gotta get my act together and manage my time better, but that is certainly easier said than done!

I did start a "new" line of product to sell out at the farmers market. My dad brought down all of my mom's catnip toy supplies so I essentially inherited her product line. I made 20 of the cat toys last week at my dad's insistent urging. He was always going on about how mom could never make enough of them for Kathleen to sell so I made them to get him off my back about it. To my surprise, 9 of them sold just last weekend for a total of $25.00! That is equivalent to selling a necklace or a couple of pairs of earrings, so I apparently am now in the cat toy business. It seems more lucrative than the jewelry right now. Of course, I hate to buy stuff I don't have to so I have bought some catnip seeds and have started growing my own. In the meantime I will have to actually buy some until they grow enough to start harvesting.

I'm afraid that nap time is going to be a thing of the past very,very soon. Once they figure out how to escape from their cribs, life will never be the same. There is no bright side to this that I can see. The kids communication skills are getting better but it still is not a two-way street yet. Laying down the law is not yet an option either but it's not like I haven't been trying. That is still too abstract a concept for them. They are getting pretty good at problem solving, especially Tabitha. Together, they are quite the mischief dynamo. The other day, Tommy knocked down Andy's keys off the nail on the wall with my broom. Then, Tabitha took the keys and used them to open the door to the bathroom. The next thing I hear is the splashing in the toilet so I double-timed it in there and cleared them out of there pronto! I confiscated the keys from Tabitha and put them waaaay up out of their reach. She is constantly trying out objects to open the bathroom door with ever since she saw Andy use my bookmark to do it and realized if it fits in the hole, it can open the door. Gee, thanks Andy!

A Month to Go Until the Terrible Twos are Official!

Exactly one month to go until the twins 2nd birthday! They are already in the full swing of the terrible twos with the screaming and the tantrums. Terrible twos times two! I am exhausted by the time I put them to bed each night. They are great though so I'm not really complaining, but they are a handful. Tabitha's language skills are slowly improving; she is expanding her vocabulary and her non-verbal communication skills have certainly come a long way. Tommy is a little behind her on that, but he asks for less. They are still at the point and scream ah stage. Boy, will it be fun when they enter the "no" and "mine" stage. They are getting better using the spoon and fork to eat with, but they still seem to think the plate or bowl is optional.

Yesterday, me and the kids went to the at-home reception of the "unofficial" wedding of their Grandpa Cookie (hubby's dad) and Melba (life-long friend of my mother-in-law Ellie who passed in November of last year). I wasn't thrilled to go but Cookie really wanted us to be there. It's nearly an hour drive each way and we cannot really afford the gas. I also anticipated absolutely no help with the kids while I was there, and I was not disappointed. I spent a little over two hours there completely trying to keep the kids from drinking strange drinks, playing in ashtrays and playing with things they weren't supposed to like the laptop someone had set up on the table out on the back porch. There I was, surrounded by actual adults, but not one deigned to speak with me about anything other than my kids and that was pretty insipid stuff (Oh, you must be tired, Oh, you have your hands full, that sort of thing. end rant.) Cookie did have his photo op with the kids eating wedding cake so looking back it was worth it. I wish Cookie and Mel all the best. I survived, the kids survived, and lots of new family met the kids so I have to chalk that up to time well spent.

My hubby did take the job at U.S. Security Associates for $11.00 an hour. He also took a part time job with the U.S. Airways Arena security staff to fill out his schedule. He is still technically employed by P.E.S. but I am not sure if he will really do much for them anymore. His new goal is to get a job with the Department of Corrections. He passed the written test which is better than half the people who took the test did. Now he has to get in better shape to pass the physical requirements. He has the discipline, but i hope he has the energy to do it. Hopefully in a day or two when he doesn't feel like his ass is so kicked from his schedule he will get started on it. I definitely have to give him credit for getting his butt out and getting a new job when his hours were cut so much. His new job, along with the child support payments being finished (yay!) and our tax refund should be a good bump for us financially.

And now an update about my jewelry: I finished a new necklace bringing my total to 4 necklaces made from the eBay stuff I got! I made it with all green beads, and a large green pearl drop in the middle in honor of St. Patrick's Day coming up. I also put up the jewelry slide show on my blog page here so everyone can see what I've made. The slide show includes 3 of the charm necklaces I made last month. The weird thing is I had all these things in my head to do, now I feel a bit unmotivated for the next project since I finished the new necklace. I suppose if I actually sold something I would feel a bit better.

About a week later...

Thank goodness this month is almost over! At least February is the shortest month of the year, even on leap year. The kids finally got over their stomach flu last Friday, but I was not in any shape myself to go anywhere, including my sister's farmers market. They are starting the terrible twos a little early, though. I understand that is really the frustration in the gap between being able to communicate and what they want, but I do a pretty good job understanding the body language and pointing. Sometimes the thought they want to communicate is sort of complicated and they just throw a fit, but now I am starting to figure those out also. Tommy likes to tell on his sister, or maybe feels it is his duty, and that usually involves a full-on scream fest complete with not wanting anything including what he was just holding. He did that to me the other day out in the yard. I was around the back and they had gone to the front (it's all really a wrap-around yard so it's one big yard) so I was going to check on what they were doing. Tommy comes around the corner and starts throwing a humongous fit when he sees me, complete with throwing down his toy, plopping his butt on the ground and stomping his heels and kicking. I have no idea what that's about so I try to see if he's hurt or something but he just keeps going so I shrug my shoulders and go on to see what Tabitha is doing. She is sitting in the middle of my garden. A short sprint later gets her out of the garden. By this time Tommy has collected himself and is pleased with himself now that I found out what he was trying to tell me. I'm starting to see how this sibling rivalry thing is going to go. Tabitha goes the more direct route; hitting, scratching, biting, taking the toys, that sort of thing. Tommy will be the one trying to get Tabitha in trouble while he keeps his hands clean. I gotta figure these things out early or else I am going to get played like a fiddle by both of them.

Thank goodness my melancholic fog is starting to lift. I finally have my jewelry in a slide show on the blog, yay! That took a while to figure out and download all the pictures. All of the pictured jewelry is for sale at the farmers market on Saturdays and Sundays. I would also sell them online but I would only be able to do it by check or money order. Now I have so many things I want to make I need to prioritize them; right now it's like I have ADD. I'll think of something to make, then see a picture or look at a book and want to do something else. Then I'll look at my supplies and get pulled in yet another direction. It's like a mental list of 5 things that all have a gold star next to them. One of my biggest problems is wanting to do so much I wind up doing nothing because I'm paralyzed by indecision. I still try to work though, at least in the prep area. I finally mounted my wire wizard bending jig on a board so I can clamp it to the table for stability while I bend wire to make repetitive shapes. I couldn't very well screw it directly to the kitchen table, but on the board I can C-clamp it on for stability. I have only owned that thing for about a decade and managed to not lose it through 3 hurried moves in the last 4 years. I think I needed to finally feel like I was in a permanent place before committing to attaching that thing to something. I did give my bead supplies a do or die priority during all the moves because they would be the one thing I would regret the most not being careful with, not to mention they are my highest value capital investment in both actual material value and potential value as finished product. I think I'll do the project that's been banging around in my head the longest first; it involves to stuff I got from eBay a few weeks ago. It's like I have a creative burst, then I need to rest until I get the urge again. I'm starting to burst again so I better get to work....

There's Vomit EVERYWHERE!

Oh my freakin' God! It's one of my worst nightmares come to life! The twins both have a stomach flu and I haven't done so much steady laundry in years! On Sunday, we (my sister, my nephew, my dad, me and the twins) went to Denny's to celebrate my sister's birthday. It was a great time; the kids were pretty good and we even got a free dessert from another patron because I helped him with some paperwork he brought but couldn't read because he forgot his glasses. Two days later, not such a great time. It started Tuesday morning. Tabitha started throwing up in the morning, after breakfast. I should have known something was wrong when she didn't eat her pancakes which she usually eats with gusto. Tommy finished hers off. Then she didn't finish her morning bottle. Little clues for the clueless. Then right after I changed her after breakfast it was the Niagara Falls of vomit. All over the kid's room. Oh, the stink! Rinse and repeat with the mid morning snack. All over me, and her room. I think I had worn that outfit all of 20 minutes before having to change. No more milk for her. Tommy so far was fine. Then, that evening Tommy started in on the fun. More laundry. Lots of towels. Now, both kids are on a clear liquid diet plus crackers. All day yesterday, all day today. This they keep down. I won't mention the horrible mess in the diapers. As of tonight, Tabitha seemed O.K., Tommy couldn't keep his supper down. Ugh, more hosing off the couch cushions. At least they settle down fast for sleep. I'm worried about dehydration but since they keep some down I think that part is O.K. but I'm definitely keeping watch. I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm really hoping Tabitha has gotten over it, but since Tommy started about 12 hours later I figure his will last about that long after Tabby is better. I will tell you, twin toddlers vomiting without notice where ever they may be is NOT cool. It's a first for them so I hope I can go another two years before it happens again. By that time I can reason with them to stay put and use the provided receptacle if they feel they need it. And then they could actually tell me how they feel, all I can do is guess right now and that just sucks.

Aside from that little crisis, Tabitha's language skills are improving and it's obvious both of them are understanding a lot of what I am telling them. I think they choose not to listen to some things, like don't touch the T.V. buttons and don't climb up on the table. Most of the other stuff I have baby-proofed like the cabinets, drawers and the oven. Tabitha has figured out how to open doors so now I have those doorknob covers on all the important doors. I have had to reverse the knobs on the accordion closet doors I don't want the babies to get into. They have a magnetic attraction to go outside so I have been very militant about always locking the back sliding glass door which they also recently figured out how to open if it is unlocked. That drives my hubby crazy since I am so automatic about it I often lock him out after the babies have gone to bed and he is out back grilling dinner. I trained myself to do that long before they figured it out just to have one less thing to generally worry about. I can't wait for life to get back to what I call normal.

My hubby is starting a new job today with another security company. Mike at PES (his old company) won't let him actually quit and told him that he would work around his new schedule. They really don't want to lose him, but what can Andy do when they are only scheduling him 18 hours a week? Also Andy heard from another company he applied to so he is going there for an interview tomorrow. I think Andy would work at all three companies if he could swing it, but I really don't think that would be feasible. His new job he started today is a dollar less an hour, but it is full time. If he can get a day or two from PES to round that out we would be O.K. If the company he is going to interview with tomorrow hires him at full time with better hourly I hope he would go with them instead but I am sure he will make the right decision on this. He is very focused on being able to support us and I trust him to do what needs to be done. God knows I am not about to get a job and get the kids in a daycare. I just can't make enough money(high school diploma only, if I could get a 9/hour job I would be lucky) to make working actually worthwhile after paying for the childcare, and other expenses associated with me working. Not to mention I am getting far too old for that crap. I'm almost 40 with twin toddlers; I don't see how working a crap job and then taking care of the kids wouldn't put me into an early grave. They completely exhaust me just by themselves. Then there is losing a child to suicide which has given me a complex that isn't easily unraveled without serious long-term counseling not affordable at my socio-economic level. I know I am post-traumatic about it. I deal.

The Lost Month

February is not my favorite month. I'm glad it is so short. It has nothing to do with the weather, or the post-holiday blues. It' s the month my daughter committed suicide. February 9th is the anniversary of her death, three years ago. She was 13. I thought I was going to post something to my blog on that day, but I just couldn't bring myself to the keyboard, it's still too emotional for me on that day to do a whole lot that's meaningful. I still miss her terribly. She was just in the eighth grade. She would have been 17 this year. The babies keep me really busy which has probably been my best emotional rehabilitation but I still sometimes call Tabitha Cassie by accident. Then I get a little sad. I have a little shelf I have put pictures and mementos of Cassie on and I look at it every so often. I need to dust it but it's not high on my priority list to do by myself. February 17th is the anniversary of her burial so between the two dates it pretty much does this month in for me. Sigh. Time heals all wounds, so they say. I'm still waiting on that but it is getting a little easier, I suppose.

This month has also been tough on Andy. He is getting very little in the way of hours from work. He only worked 36 hours in the last two weeks and we are really going to feel that by the end of the month. He has been applying at all sorts of other security companies around the valley like crazy but no one is hiring. Some of the applications have been pretty insane too. I have never seen applications like these in my life either. Some of them have pages of questions, like "If you starting college tomorrow, what courses would you take?" "What does failure mean to you?" "How would your best friend, college roommate, parents, describe you?" and my favorite, "If you went back to age 18 years old what would you do differently?" I don't see how those questions are relevant to reveal answers to before even an interview. For a job that pays 10.00 an hour. It's not like these are applications for sensitive, high paying jobs. It just goes to show how far labor rights have eroded in the last couple of decades to the point such intrusive questions can be asked. This last application included all sorts of releases also to do every sort of background check imaginable: criminal, credit check, MVD report, and some others that weren't very specific, just that you were expected to sign your life away before even being considered for the job. Wow. I figure they feel they have the power to ask these questions since if you don't agree to them, you can't even get a crappy job and they will find someone who will consent to these questions. I wish I had some law expertise so I would know if it was even legal for these companies to subject potential employees to this level of prying. It's sort of like practicing discrimination on an individual basis by gathering so much information up front they can find anything to deny you a job if for some reason they just don't like you regardless of evaluating if your skill set matches the job. I think it completely violates the spirit, if not the letter of the law. End rant.

On the only bright side so far of this month, the babies are healthy and their talking skills are slowly coming around. Tabitha is so stubborn about not talking, even though she knows the words. Tommy is much more forthcoming and happy to tell me what he wants. He is much more practical. Tabitha is stubborn about it because she likes the attention. What else should I expect from twins, each vying for my attention in their own ways? I know at some point Tabitha's stubbornness will be undermined by the sheer force of human nature to talk and it will just come. I cling to that when she is throwing a tantrum for something or just pointing and saying "AHH".

And lastly for today, I did our taxes yesterday and amazed my hubby with the amount we will be getting from the Feds. I have been trying to explain to him about the Earned Income Tax Credit for a while now, but only by actually doing it could he see it was worthwhile. He still doesn't understand how we get something from the Feds when we haven't paid any out of his paycheck, and I try to explain that it is generally a subsidy for the poor to raise kids in a manner not completely destitute. The refund will really help with us getting back on our feet after this time of short hours for him. I wish I had gotten this done sooner, but late is better than never.

Bummer, the Cards lost!

As I'm sure everyone who has a t.v. in the world has now heard. Hey, they had a good run while it lasted. Leave it to the Cardinals to allow the longest drive in Superbowl history, 100 yards. If they had made that touchdown and not been intercepted they would have won the game. Though they fought the good fight after that it just wasn't enough to pull it off. Well, there is always next season.

Ashley was acting weirder than usual this weekend. She was constantly talking to someone who wasn't there. I don't mean in that talking to your self mode, but really asking questions in that tone you would use to actually ask someone, not the rhetorical tone like when you talk to your self. When a 4 year old talks to an imaginary friend it's considered normal generally. I think when a 17 year old talks to an imaginary friend it's called schizophrenia. I am afraid for the kids when she comes over because I don't know if and when she is going to snap. I would not be the least surprised if Andy gets a call one day, or we see on the t.v. that she has committed a double homicide on her mother and her roommate. I have heard she has had some real nasty fights with her mother and I think it is only a matter of time before something tragic happens. I just don't want it to be at my house. She is a big girl, over 200 pounds, and strong too. I think Andy does not feel as physically threatened by her as I do, hence the feeling I am over reacting to her presence. I have had enough tragedy, thank you very much.

Keeping the kids out of my garden seems to be a hopeless task, but I will persevere. Tommy purposely stepped in the garden, for the attention I guess. He squished a couple of my tomato seedlings. I hope they pull through and spring back but I am not holding my breath. Otherwise it is looking great and after about a month it's really starting to look like a garden, not a bare patch of ground. Tabitha seems to have more respect for the garden; she likes the idea of flowers growing. She makes this cute squinched face with a sniffing sound to signify flowers, which she makes when pointing to the little plants in the garden. She pats them like little pets, to show she is nice to them. Tommy is mostly interested in using the garden to get my attention. Kids will be kids and I'll just have to be patient.

I did a few hours of research online last night and could not find any definitive post about removing the finish off of vintage glass pearls, but I went ahead and decided to try out acetone nail polish remover, and it worked like a charm! I had half a large salsa jar of these beads and poured in enough polish remover to cover the top. It just melted the finish right off the beads. I still have to do some clean up; I really should have used less pearls at a time, with more acetone since I have congealed lumps of the coating that gathered in the solution. I am going to strain my vintage glass beads with a fine strainer and get the plasticy lumps out and give the beads a good cleaning. The ones that still need some more treatment I will set aside and use some fresh acetone nail polish and give those another go. I did find out acetone does not hurt real pearls with all my research last night so I might find out some of my glass pearls are real; that would be cool. I just can't believe that after all that Googling not one place on the whole web had the instructions on how to remove the finish from vintage glass pearls. It's not like those things don't get worn out and salvaging them just for the pretty glass beads they are underneath is a bad idea. It's just not out there as something people can do. Well, I'm off to go work on those now and by tomorrow I should be making stuff with those newly cleaned beads!

He's driving me crazy!

A husband home due to lack of work available is not a good thing. The kids aren't driving me any crazier than usual, but with hubby home it somehow seems worse. I understand he is depressed and anxious, but my daily schedule of what I do is all messed up so I'm on edge myself. Not to mention, I sort of expect him to help some with the kids since he is home and all but unless I directly ask him to do something or give him the eye when he talks about a dirty diaper they are not his problem. I did have a talk to him about that this afternoon so I hope tomorrow is better. Ashley is coming over tonight so I'm just a little vexed about the next few days. Between Andy not working and Ashley until Sunday evening I am going to have to work at not being in a complete snit about all this.

Anyway, tomorrow there is a rummage sale at a nearby church. I have been combing the classifieds for weeks looking for one and finally I have one to go to! They open at 7am to I was planning to get out there pretty early. I scoped it out on the way to my sister's farmers market, since it was on the way. They were even setting it up already when I passed today, but their sign said it was for Saturday only so I shouldn't be missing anything. I am hoping to find some good jewelry, maybe some clothes for myself, work pants for Andy and clothes and perhaps a toy or two for the kids. It is half-price day at Goodwill tomorrow too, so it should be a good day in that regard. I have to get some unbreakable dishware for the kids; Tommy shattered a little vintage glass bowl I gave him breakfast in this morning. He was just so fast! I just turned my back for a second, and crash! I was bummed, but I paid half of 35 cents for it from a now closed thrift store so it wasn't a big loss, but I liked it. I think it was a dessert bowl; it had a pedestal and a cut glass design all around and held about half a cup. Oh well, I've memorialized it, now it's time to move on.

My garden is still growing nicely. We didn't get the predicted rain so I've had to water it. I'm trying to not over water it, but it has been warmer and I don't want it to dry out too much. It seems to be growing maddeningly slow. The volunteer tomato in my potted plant is about to flower already! I guess it's been growing about two months now. Both seem to be okay but I think I need to take a cutting, just in case.

I finally finished going through all the junk jewelry I got from eBay; I should be able to make a bunch of stuff out of it. My first projects will be what I've had in mind since I got it- Gypsy treasure necklaces. I only need to sell 4 of them at $15.00 each to recoup my cost for the stuff I got. I even found some sterling, but I had to keep a real eye pealed for those. Some wasn't marked, like the sterling beads. I know they are sterling because my silver polish worked on them and the way the tarnish came off was exactly like sterling. I've tried that silver polish on junk jewelry that fooled me with it's tarnished look, but the polish doesn't work on that stuff at all. It's the chemical reaction that takes off the tarnish, so when it works, I figure it must be sterling. I got some real vintage sterling box clasps from some of the old strands of pearls, so that was nice. I also have a bunch of old glass vintage pearls that I am going to remove the pearl finish so I will then have a rather huge collection of milky and bluish milky glass beads. They look rather exotic once the finish is off of them. Czech glass, Indian glass, lampwork glass, a ton of findings, and some nice interesting plastic beads I kept for jewelry was recovered. I also collected two full big jars of beads I will give to Tabitha when she is old enough for them. I need to get to work on that jewelry, hopefully tomorrow but more than likely after Ashley leaves on Sunday. Tonight I just need to rest a bit, but tomorrow, who knows?

Weekend Update

Well, I just wanted to give a quick update on how things are progressing. I finished my advent tree, yay! Today's picture is of the finished tree, because I'm proud of making all the ornaments and especially the top star which I hand formed and decorated in a star shape. Wouldn't you know it about 10 minutes after taking that picture I was putting away the Christmas decorations and knocked it off the table which broke 3 numbered doors off the base. At least I have the rest of the year to contemplate how to fix those before next season. I was thinking some sort of tape from the inside since replacing the little dowel hinges requires taking the base completely apart.

My garden is growing nicely, apart from the forays by the twins into it. I hope the seedlings weren't too crushed. They are actually growing a little too close together and perhaps the kids stepping in the garden will do the thinning work I just can't bring myself to do. I'll post a picture next time to show the weekly progress.

On the kid front, the kids have officially left their highchairs behind and are now sitting on booster seats at the table. I am going through a lot of paper plates now, so I better get some more. Walgreens has a good coupon for those this week. Tabitha thought it was special that I was sitting right next to her for supper the other night for the first time. She gave me a big smile and patted my shoulder like she couldn't believe it was real. Just too damn cute! They are using spoons and forks better also. Now if only I could get them to start talking more. I am sure they could, but they just don't seem to see the need right now. Sigh.

And that big box of jewelry I got from eBay is going to take me a long time to go through. I have already spent several hours on sorting and have only gone through maybe a fifth of the box. I have found some sterling beads, charms and clasps and a little bit of scrap; a nice collection of vintage Austrian crystal and a ton of glass rhinestones pryed from old jewelry. I have definite plans for those involving stained glass kaleidoscopes in the future, for both decorating the outside and for use in the object container. They will be very cool! Well, I have tried to make this quick, and now I'm off to sort through some more of those beads and stuff.

Potpourri Thursday

A little bit of this, a little bit of that to write about today. My tomato seeds in the garden have sprouted, yay! The rest of it is growing nicely, and we had some rain last night, so that was a plus. I hadn't watered it yesterday because I was banking on that, and I'd like to work on the roots getting deeper and stronger in preparation for the heat that will come. I went to Goodwill yesterday and found some awesome stuff! I found an E.T. Journey to the Green Planet electronic solar system toy for only $2.99, and it even came with batteries so I knew it worked before I bought it. It is very cool, it is like an interactive electronic encyclopedia all about the planets in our solar system with the voices of Eliot and E.T. telling you all about the facts. I looked it up on ebay and found only two, listed for $9.99 and $21.99, not including shipping so I think I got a pretty good deal. The kids get to play with it when they are a little older. Now all I have to do is get a copy of the E.T. movie so the kids will know who the heck E.T. is. I also found a sterling silver and rainbow moonstone bracelet for the excellent price of only $3.99. Boy, I don't hink they knew what they had. It is clearly marked .925 on the clasp, and on a couple of the moonstone links. I found it was marked $40.00 with permanent marker on the back of one of the links, which is what I told Andy was how much I would have paid new for it. I originally wanted to buy it for the parts, but it is beautiful and fits perfectly so I think I will wear it for a while until inspiration strikes to make something out of it. Which reminds me, I really need to post something on my site here to lead to all the pictures of my jewelry. I also need to get back on track with making some more. I was able to buy this stuff yesterday just because I sold two cellphone charms last weekend at the farmers market. I couldn't even have bought one rainbow moonstone link from a jewelry supply store for what I paid for the bracelet; I think I'm going to be pretty proud of this purchase for a while! Relatedly, I received my huge lot of "junk" jewelry and beads from ebay on Tuesday and I need to start to sort through it. I gave it a quick looksie and I think I paid about what it was worth, just for the beads. It came with a lot of vintage glass pearls and a bunch of other stuff. This was a good thing for me, it makes me do stuff I wouldn't normally make because individually I wouldn't have bought these beads myself from the bead store. It certainly fits the bill for making a ton of gypsy treasure jewelry and such. I found some sterling in there too. Well, I hear the kids sqawking in their room so they must be done with their nap so I better get going.

Garden Update

Ahh...naptime! For the kids, anyway. I have increasingly come to mentally refer to it as "breaktime" in my busy workday. Not that work stops, per se, but I can unwind a little and catch my breath. It gives me a chance to work on things I just can't when the kids are up, like write my blog.
My garden is really sprouting now! As you can see from my picture, it doesn't look like much now, but I am proud of the bed I prepared and I think it looks pretty good. I can identify a few different flowers already: Bachelor Buttons, Calendulas, Marigolds and California Poppies. Yesterday I planted seeds for cherry tomatoes in the area I ran out of wildflower seeds and had a very low density of sprouts. At least the little footprints turned out useful after all; I planted the seeds in those depressions because they hold the water in a little puddle and stay wet long after the high spots dry out in this warm weather. We are now in the mid to upper 70's, with lows about 50. It shouldn't take long for those tomatoes to sprout. I found I have a tomato volunteer in my potted plant I received as a gift from Cassie's funeral. It is one of those green leaf plants that make those runners down the side and are near impossible to kill. I just can't remember what those plants are called. My tomato volunteer may do the trick, however; it is thriving in that pot while the plant looks like it is struggling. I thought that it was a marigold at first, but I smelled the familiar aroma of the tomato plant the last time I watered it. I have no idea how that got there; I give the kids a lot of cherry tomatoes from the farmers market and a seed from one of those must have somehow got in there either from their grubby little hands or one of the times I had to sweep up the dirt from one of the many times they pulled it onto the floor. I guess I'll see when it flowers and sets fruit if it is a cherry tomato or a full size tomato plant. I am in a quandry about it though since the tomato loves sun, and the green leafy plant gets burned pretty easily with a lot of sun so I need to make a decision as to which I want nurture. I suppose I can make a cutting from it since those plants are famous for being able to root easily from a cutting and start a whole new pot once it roots. That way I can feel I've kept it. Anyway, I hope that planting the tomatoes in with the wildflowers will help the pollination of the tomatoes; last year I had a lot of flowers, but very few set into fruits. If I still have a problem with pollination, I will put out a few old cans of Coke; the bees seem conditioned to be attracted to those judging from the swarms around my bags of cans for recycling, and the fact I cannot bring a can out without attracting a few even for a few minutes. My sister suggested last year a lack of bees might have been my problem.
Yesterday, I finally took down the outside Christmas lights from the back porch (it's the only place actually visible from the street, since I live in the back of a duplex) and I am getting mentally prepared to pack away Christmas until next season. Losing my mother just a few months ago really took the shine off the season for me, but I did persevere and did bake cookies and decorate. Now I have to psych myself up to take it all down, even though it took halfway into December to put it all up. Declaring Christmas officially over was always a little sad for me, but this year it is a little extra sad because it was the first without my mom and I will think about that while I put it all away. I promised a picture of the advent tree when I was done; all I have left to do is finish making the star for the top. I made the star shaped frame and support, and right after I finish this post I will go finish it; it is the very last thing I need to do before I have run out of excuses for not putting away the Christmas stuff. I'm planning on doing that tomorrow, while having Pres-Elect Barack Obama (woo hoo!) on TV for his inauguration ceremony. I have the pre-inauguration festivities on TV right now, to capture the ambient joyfulness of the occasion. Go Obama!

Yay, my garden is growing!

It's been about a week since I sprinkled the seeds, and I finally have some seedlings poking their new leaves above the soil. Notwithstanding the frequent trampling by the kids I am thrilled to see the start of germination. I can't identify what they are going to be yet since it was a wildflower mix of seeds, but I am sure none of the bachelor buttons or marigolds have yet germinated. I have hope that I am going to get something growing out there now that I have something. I'll have to post a picture of how it looks now, and then post periodic updates as it grows. It makes me pretty darn happy!
On an unrelated note, the kids both came down with colds as usual after Megan watches the kids. I needed her to watch them while I went to the doctor last week for my tri-monthly depo-prevara shot. I am sure it is just a thing about not exposing the kids to much since I keep them home most of the time and Megan has a pretty active social life and a baby niece at home she helps take care of. Funny, the last time the baby, Mariah, was with my kids, all the babies came down with a cold. My kids gave her something, and she gave mine something. Not a big deal, but I get real tired of wiping snotty noses when the twins get a cold. Tommy came down with it later than Tabitha, but Tabitha is not showing any signs hers is going to be over with any time soon. Meanwhile, they are both extra cranky and clingier than usual. I think I am trying to fight it off myself as I have been achy and sneezy and a lot more tired than usual.
My last thing for tonight, I have a Christmas project I need to finish tonight. Last year, I bought an advent calender from my local thrift store. It was exactly what I was looking for as a little thing to do with the kids counting down the days til Christmas. It is a 3-D tree made of two interlocking cut-outs. The sides have circles cut out with tiny jump rings hanging on them that you attach a tiny ornament to each day as you count down to Christmas. It fits into a base which can be wound up and plays "O Christmas Tree" fittingly enough. And the base also has 6 little numbered doors on each side that houses each ornament to be hung on the tree. The only problem is that it came with no tiny ornaments to hang, so I have been collecting for two years now tiny ornaments and now I have to fashion teeny tiny hooks and attach these ornaments to them so they can be hung on the tree. I also have to fabricate the star for the top, which I assume is supposed to be the one for day 24 since there are only 23 circles cut out on the tree, and on the top is a hole that seems to be for a topper. This little project wasn't a priority to be done, but this next Christmas in 2009 the kids will be almost three and old enough to participate in such a nice little daily ritual. I refuse to put away the Christmas stuff until this is done as added incentive. When I finish this little project, hopefully tonight, I will post a picture on my next entry so you all can see what I mean about how cute it is. Then I can start making some Valentines Day jewelry for my sister to sell before it is too late. I already have an idea or two....

Farmers Market Friday

It's Friday, and my sister has her Farmers Market in Mesa today. I try to go every Friday with the kids, because most of the time it is the only way we get to see each other. It's a good opportunity also for me to get some fruits and veggies for the family, organic no less! The kids always get some tomatoes to munch on, and the occasional seasonal fruit. Today it was a sweet little tangerine- boy did they like that! Having a sister involved in the local farmers market scene, and her having her own farm plot is like having an ace in the hole in this economy. I go there because it is certified for accepting food stamps and at the same time I get to support her. I sell my jewelry out at her booth on Saturday and Sunday in the Phoenix and Ahwatukee markets; at least my jewelry is out there, sales not so much these days. I did sell a nice southwestern style necklace and earrings set before Christmas, which gave me $60.00 to spend on gifts. It felt like quite the windfall, and payed for the Christmas Eve gifts for our side for everybody and I was able to purchase stocking stuffers (helped with judicious use of Walgreen's coupons for their candy) for everyone. Right now, my sister's booth out at the market has a lot of really good stuff. I'm sure she is happy our growing season turned cool for a lot of root vegetables and greens to ripen. One day me and the kids will be helping her out at the farm when the kids are old enough, you know like when they can talk and are potty trained and can follow directions. On a related note, I finished my little garden plot about 2 weeks after my mom passed away, but then it laid fallow about two months because I just couldn't get motivated to do anything with it. Depression kinda sucks that way. Anyway, a few days ago I decided I had to do something with it, so I sprinkled it with a bunch of wildflower seeds. I'm still waiting for germination but I have hope I'll have something grow, daytime temps in the low 70's, nighttime in low 40's, high 30's. Now all I have to do is keep it wet, and keep the kids from trampling all over it. Their trampling, plant-yanking ways also curtailed me from planting something serious there right now. Why set myself up for getting upset at the kids when they really don't yet understand they are ruining my veggies? Better to save that when they can understand to stay out of the garden, cause right now they are too little to understand threats. Anyway, I figured I wound up between growing intervals, too late for winter crops, too early for summer (but it is time to start tomatoes here in a few weeks) so I just did the flower thing. I'll let it go when it gets too hot, and revive it for a real fall planting. It's time for me to start planting the sunflowers out and about also- I hope they survive the kids but I'm not going to hold my breath. I always have next year to try again. Andy is getting hours at work again, thank goodness. Check 'n Go contract got literally screwed up when another guard was sexually harrassing one of the Check 'n Go employees, and also took out a payday loan and hadn't paid it back. The manager at Andy's regular Check 'n Go put her foot down and demanded her guard back; Andy is courteous and professional and made her feel a lot safer; those places get robbed all the time without a security presence. Now all we need is the Chevron to need Andy back for weekend late nights. The management over there are such morons; they need to get robbed first before they get security. Then they keep the security for a few weeks, until the management decides it is not "cost effective" so they cancel the contract. Then they get robbed again, and call out the security guard for a few weeks. Wash and repeat. The last time they were robbed, the assailant took the whole damn cash register! An employee quit over that also. Over a year ago, I told Andy that the coming recession would be great for the security industry, robberies and property crime would go up as the economy gets worse. It is getting worse, and I don't think there is a real end in sight for a while. Right now, security guard certification is job security. Well, the kids will be up soon so I gotta go get their lunch prepped and the house secured(check for stuff I carelessly left about when they were napping, like magazines and soda cans in reach, bathroom door shut- that sort of thing) before I get them up for the afternoon marathon of twin toddlers on the go. Their naptime helps keep me relatively sane.

Tortilla Flat, AZ

Yesterday, hubby suggested we go to Tortilla Flat up in the Superstition Mountains. He was off and thought I could use a day out of the house. I jumped at the chance. It was a perfect day, sunny with temps in the low 70's. It had been a long time since we had been there, before the twins were born and I was eager to try out our new Dodge Caravan on one of the funnest roads to drive arguably in the whole country. Oh, I had great fun yesterday! Andy white-knuckled most of the drive, with him looking down the sheer drop on the side. The desert was beautiful, just starting to green up after the December rain we had. Canyon Lake was sapphire blue, but I bet it was cold! I can't wait for the kids to be old enough to take there swimming, and have a barbecue lakeside just like my mom used to take me when I was little. I loved the drive through the mountains, steep and twisty with hill crests that make you think that your about to drive right off the top of the mountain. We made it to Tortilla Flat just before the lunch rush, and we all had some great burgers and fries. Tortilla Flat has a tradition of hanging dollar bills that people have written a message on, and they cover every square inch of the walls and are now creeping across the wooden rafters on the ceiling. There is a lot of foreign bills also; a lot of tourists from Europe especially like to come to Tortilla Flat. We even saw a bill posted on the wall from Zimbabwe; it had a denomination of 250,000,000! There was no message written on it, but that sort of spoke for itself. Tabitha and Tommy had a good time and were very well-behaved, except when we parked them in their strollers too close to the wall and they were ripping the dollars off the wall. We tucked them back behind other dollars because we think it is bad luck to take them. After lunch, we took a stroll to Tortilla Creek, which was still flowing over the road from the rainfall a couple of weeks ago. It is fed from natural springs, and snowmelt from the north. By the time we went back to the car, I heard them calling parties at the restaurant so there must have been quite a wait to eat. We arrived at the perfect time; no waiting for a table, and the service was fast! After we did Tortilla Flat we decided to go on to Fish Creek Hill, some 7 miles further down the road. I found that since I had last driven there the road had been paved most of the way there now. Still, the last 2 miles were still dirt, and at some points so narrow only one car at a time can drive on those parts so that makes it extra exciting. You have to try to keep a lookout for traffic coming and plan accordingly to be able to pass on the wider parts, and some of those other drivers are noobs at windy mountainous dirt roads and they drive without planning about those things. I'd rather stop at a wide point when I see them coming and wait for them to go by, than have to back up on a narrow blind curve with a straight drop down on the side. That's a little too exciting even for me! The best part of going to Tortilla Flat is after the excellent drive there, is the equally excellent drive back. It was the best time I have had in a long time!

Happy New Year!

Long time, no blog. I'm still working my way through my depression of losing my mom. My mother-in-law also died of her pancreatic cancer on November 6th, within the week of my mother passing. She was also a wonderful woman who I also miss terribly. I have been avoiding blogging because I haven't been up to holding up and examining my thoughts and feelings through this holiday season. I have just been forging on through the Holidays in hopes that just keeping busy might help. Since losing my 13 year old daughter to suicide in February 2006 I had been slowly trying to bring myself back up to a productive level. I gave birth to my wonderful twins in April 2007. They have filled my life and helped immensely to soften my sadness in losing Cassie. The Holidays in 2007 were really happy for me. I had adjusted to the new normal and embraced it with gusto. The Holidays 2008 were different again. Our family all felt a little hollow without Mom, she was the glue, our Matron who while not directly fully participating in the Holiday preparations as she used to due to her health, always was planning and directing the production. We had become her hands to make the dinner, the desserts, the Christmas cookies and the inspiration to decorate just to mirror her joy of bringing the family together again. We all were looking forward this year to the Holidays with her after her operation because we believed she would be getting better and have one of her best holiday seasons since Cassie passed. Instead, we tried our best this year to honor her memory with our celebrations done as she would have liked. I still made the cookies she always made for us. I even took the time to make the ones that were her favorite even though she wasn't here to have them, and I made sure I gave some of those to everyone. Damn it, the tears I held back working my way through are coming now, as I feared. One of the reasons I was avoiding blogging, I knew the tears would flow. I made sure Dad found and distributed the stocking-stuffers Mom had already bought for this Christmas. We worked really hard this year to make it feel O.K. for us, but it was really hard for all of us. My brother moved to Chicago on December 1st which didn't make this year any easier but that had been in the works for over a year. At least he was here for his birthday, and Thanksgiving. I sent him a gift and a whole bunch of cookies. I hear the kids right now, and they are not happy so I have to sign off for now. Now that I've broken the ice so to speak on blogging again I will try to post on a more regular basis. I think it will help me find my zest for life again.