Happy New Year!

Long time, no blog. I'm still working my way through my depression of losing my mom. My mother-in-law also died of her pancreatic cancer on November 6th, within the week of my mother passing. She was also a wonderful woman who I also miss terribly. I have been avoiding blogging because I haven't been up to holding up and examining my thoughts and feelings through this holiday season. I have just been forging on through the Holidays in hopes that just keeping busy might help. Since losing my 13 year old daughter to suicide in February 2006 I had been slowly trying to bring myself back up to a productive level. I gave birth to my wonderful twins in April 2007. They have filled my life and helped immensely to soften my sadness in losing Cassie. The Holidays in 2007 were really happy for me. I had adjusted to the new normal and embraced it with gusto. The Holidays 2008 were different again. Our family all felt a little hollow without Mom, she was the glue, our Matron who while not directly fully participating in the Holiday preparations as she used to due to her health, always was planning and directing the production. We had become her hands to make the dinner, the desserts, the Christmas cookies and the inspiration to decorate just to mirror her joy of bringing the family together again. We all were looking forward this year to the Holidays with her after her operation because we believed she would be getting better and have one of her best holiday seasons since Cassie passed. Instead, we tried our best this year to honor her memory with our celebrations done as she would have liked. I still made the cookies she always made for us. I even took the time to make the ones that were her favorite even though she wasn't here to have them, and I made sure I gave some of those to everyone. Damn it, the tears I held back working my way through are coming now, as I feared. One of the reasons I was avoiding blogging, I knew the tears would flow. I made sure Dad found and distributed the stocking-stuffers Mom had already bought for this Christmas. We worked really hard this year to make it feel O.K. for us, but it was really hard for all of us. My brother moved to Chicago on December 1st which didn't make this year any easier but that had been in the works for over a year. At least he was here for his birthday, and Thanksgiving. I sent him a gift and a whole bunch of cookies. I hear the kids right now, and they are not happy so I have to sign off for now. Now that I've broken the ice so to speak on blogging again I will try to post on a more regular basis. I think it will help me find my zest for life again.